i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
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