I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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