My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
