Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
