i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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