Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
