I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
