Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
