I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
