I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
