Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
