wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sorry my hands just texted you
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
