I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
