You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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