so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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