I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
