How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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