i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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