I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
