I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
honey bunches of taint.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
