Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My dick has a subreddit
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
