The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
