Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
