she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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