Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
