Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
