I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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