it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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