I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
