how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
