i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
