god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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