If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
