i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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