I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
