You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
