Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
