We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
