I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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