She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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