i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
