Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
