I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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