in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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