Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just found puke in my bra..
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
