I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
