He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
