Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
