Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
