He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
