I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i believe in u and ur pee
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
