The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
