nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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