I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
