god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
