well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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