note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
