Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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