Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
