Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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